Saturday, February 8, 2014

New Beginnings

"I'm doing something new; it's springing up! Can't you see it?
I am making a road in the desert, rivers in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:19 Complete Jewish Bible version

I write because I don't want to forget.

I don't want to forget small moments that make up memories. I don't want to forget sights, smells, and textures that shape those memories. The smiles, laughter, and tears that help those memories stay etched in my mind.
But, what I've learned in recent weeks is that I don't want to forget pain. This pain that is the beginning of a new chapter in the makeup of my life and the shaping of me as a person. Its been raw and heart-breaking but I don't want to ever forget what it felt like. To be in such despair that I realized what life is really about and the trivial things we all spend so much time worrying about would melt away if given the opportunity to see life as its really meant to be.
I know I need God now more than ever and I don't want to lose sight of that. Because when I do it will mean that I have begun to think I can do it all on my own, I don't need Him and those small, insignificant things will be itching me again: a chipped toy, a broken door, a stained carpet....Life will probably seem easier in comparison to what I'm experiencing now, but I know for certain that I won't feel that great peace I have in my heart right now. The peace of knowing that He's taking care of me and the situation is so small in the palm of His hand.
(Right after I took this picture Emerson looked up at the sky and yelled,
"We love you Baby Everly!")
With all of this pain has come reward and I know its not the end of it. 
Its amazing how good it feels to just let go. I've had to let go because this situation is so much bigger than I am and I know I can't do it alone. I need God. 
Many weeks ago my kids began reciting their new Sunday School Bible verse to me: "In the beginning God made the heavens and the earth. Genesis 1:1" The verse came easily to them and I recall once feeling as if I wish they were reciting a verse that would speak to me and help me deal with what I was going through.

About the same time we had a missionary from Haiti visit our church to tell about his experience, encourage other members to join our church's Haiti mission trip and also recognize the great work our church members had done for the country.

The missionary's name was Jeremy and he talked for a while about his history and why he went to Haiti and the work he and his team have been doing. He then went on to say that he had prayed to God to show him a word he was supposed to give our church that day. He said he started flipping towards the New Testament but he felt God kept leading him further forward. He felt moved to flip forward, more forward until he was in the early Old Testament. He was beginning to wonder where God was leading him. He finally ended in Genesis and joked about the possibility of what God was showing him. Jeremy said he heard God say to share Genesis 1:1 and he began to feel a little uncomfortable and embarrassed to share what most of us would probably see as a preschool memory verse. But, because he knew it was better to trust God, he kept thinking on why God would want him to share that verse.

What happened next was no mistake to me. Jeremy went on to say that he felt someone in our church needed to hear this particular verse and it didn't necessarily have anything to do with Haiti or mission trips. He then recited, "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."

He said, "in the beginning it was damp, dark, felt as if there was nothing. But, out of that nothingness God created beauty. He was closest when He seemed the furthest away. God wants you to know that although what's going on in your life may seem damp, dark, void and full of nothingness, He is right there beside you and He's not done yet."
God may have been speaking to just me or ten thousand people like me but, I knew in my heart that is was no mistake God had my kids reciting this verse in our house over and over and over. He had been speaking to my heart and telling me that He is God. He can take ugliness, brokenness and nothingness and create something magical. No matter what any doctor, test or person says otherwise, He has the final say.
(Emerson kissing Baby Everly in my belly.)
I've been holding on to this and remembering that although I may never see the beauty in all of this in my time on earth I will one day understand and see it in eternity. I will also see and hold a child of mine who has been made whole, healthy and will know that I did everything I could to take what medically was viewed as a life of nothingness and turn it into a life of beauty. 

This is not the end of the story, its just the beginning....because He's not done yet.
"A bend in the road is not the end of the road...
unless you fail to make the turn."
-Author Unknown
*Written on Saturday, July 6, 2013