Lying in Wait

(Written on 6/1/13)
On the heels of my last post about questioning what my purpose was and what I am meant to do I have been met with what I feel is my life's greatest challenge.

I have spent recent weeks telling my husband that I didn't want to just pass through this life--I wanted to leave a legacy, make a difference. I didn't want to live my days just existing but truly living and with a purpose.

I believe this new challenge God has put before us will be trying. Not for weeks, but for months and years.

My heart's desire is to do what's right and what I believe God is asking me to do, but on paper in a list of pros and cons, that is the sole pro. The cons speak very loudly and the experts are encouraging us in this direction. I'm going through waves of great strength and courage peppered with brights spots of seeing hope but, I am often also filled with sadness, grief, and fear....lots of fear. 

The nights and mornings have been difficult because my stomach hurts with anxiety and I don't want to eat or get out of bed. I wonder if the people we have in our life will be able to keep encouraging us or if, as in life, they'll get busy and move on forgetting. I'm learning that I need God, I really need Him to endure this challenge. I don't understand it. What is the purpose in all of this when all I see is grief and tragedy for our family?

I just read a blog of someone who is an encouragement to me and came across a video on a boy named Zach Sobiech. Although our trials are very different, his message in the video was what I needed to be reminded of:
             

          Life is short. 

                         
It is a series of beautiful moments weaved together, one right after the other. There are tragedies and trials--both big and small--but, when we look back on these I truly believe we don't regret any one of them happening because they were all for the good or had goodness wrapped around them. There are many things in life that I don't understand, will never understand but have to be OK that I won't until I meet God. I believe God is good and His ways are the best ways and so I keep that hope. Because, if we don't have hope, what do we have?

I believe that this situation is calling me to a new level of obedience, strength, courage and faith. It is a test and I am determined to pass this test. Because, I know, I really know that on the other side with be life and goodness and more beautiful moments. I keep looking back at my life just a week ago and wishing I could have it all back--right down to the broken door I felt I couldn't take any more. Now, these trivial things seem easy, comfortable and manageable. I want that life back. But, I have known God was preparing me for something big and I've now met it. I can only hope that I will have the strength, courage, and faith to carry it through. I want to be the example that I'm always writing about and striving to be--believing that there are little happies all through our life if we're just willing to open our eyes.  And so the new journey begins....

I will rejoice in ALL things....because life is SO good.

(Please press play to hear the music to accompany the photos.)

 

 

 

 

(Written on July 30, 2013)

The past few days and weeks have been very difficult but, weaved throughout all of the pain, there have been many beautiful moments. We don't know the purpose or outcome of what's to come but there will be beauty inside of it. Of this I'm certain.

Tri Harder

I love blogging. There are so many things that I want to write about. 


Over the past few weeks I have missed sitting at my favorite table and connecting with my keyboard. Sometimes I begin writing and am feeling angst over life's circumstances and other times I'm overwhelmed with the joys God has blessed me with. 

In the end, my fingers rarely leave the keyboard and gently close the top of my laptop that I am not silently crying. Why? Because blogging has become my therapy. As my fingers tap away trying to communicate all of the swirling thoughts I've had going on inside of my head, my life unfolds. It may not make sense to you as the reader but, it allows me to release everything that has been bottled up within me....the good and the bad. I always know when I am typing that very last sentence because I feel complete, fulfilled. I rarely walk away from that table feeling anything but appreciative for all of the wonderful gifts in my life.

Recently, in the middle of the night, I woke up in a panic. What if, all of the sudden, blogger ceased to exist? 

What would happen to my memories? My children's lives I have been recording for all of these months? 

Although I love all things crafty, I have not been a scrapbooker and wonder if I'll ever get there. If I do, its doubtful that I'll remember all of the small moments, the important details that shaped the happy times in our lives. 

Yes, I'm sure I'll recall all of the bigger picture memories but, how about those small moments that if I didn't record them would eventually cease to exist? For now, this blog holds the memories and I am the memory keeper.

I woke up very early this morning with the full intention to find a way to secure these thoughts, these memories because I don't want to risk letting one single morsel vanish. I have started a book that will print all of my blog entries and my deepest hope is that one day I will be able to share this book with my littles. 

I don't want any credit for recording our lives and the little treasures within in, but I want my children to know that amid all of the chaos, sweat, and tears that I truly enjoyed them. 

I love them for who they are, who they want to be. 

I want to grow old and in my last days know fully well that they know. They really know that I loved and enjoyed them and they were and are special. 

They are the little happies that make my life full and complete. 

I thank my husband over and over again for talking me into having children when all I wanted was to focus on my career. 

I never would have really known what life was about had I not experienced being a parent and all of the excitement, trials and tribulations of it.

Try hard is what I do. I am vested in trying even harder as they grow older because I know the challenges will become greater. I am a determined woman and my mission is to cross the finish line known as a mother who was tough but extremely loving with mutual respect for her kids and, because of that, these relationships turned into friendships. Try hard is what I do and what I'll continue to do.
**********************************************************
Speaking of trying hard, my sister-in-law just finished her first Tri.....

Way to go girl!! We are so proud of you!!

She is a great example of not ceasing to push forward and really trying. Great successes in life don't come without trying and trying hard. As a family we are also working on trying harder....

At sharing

Not complaining (this one's for me--the hubs never complains)

"Do all things without complaining." Phillipians 4:13

(Really? Two months old and this is how you feel? And I'm just getting started!)

Team work

(C'mone, how cute is that "B" sticker on her neck? She wore it all day.)

Teaching the kids that although we love them, Mommies and Daddies need special nights out alone and goodbyes will get easier.

Letting the to-do's go to do more of our beach.

And having fun. 

          Lots of fun. 

                    Because life's too short and trying hard is nothing 

unless

you have fun. 

"The one thing that matters is the effort.  It continues, whereas the end to be attained is but an illusion of the climber, as he fares on and on from crest to crest; and once the goal is reached it has no meaning."  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Wisdom of the Sands, translated from French by Stuart Gilbert

*Linking up with: 

http://makingtheworldcuter.com/2012/07/making-the-world-cuter-monday-july-16-2012-2/
http://letslassothemoon.com/2012/07/12/chalk-shape-maze-more/